Dr. Gordon Mate, author of When the Body Says No, states that children who hold their emotions in rigidly are taxing their nervous systems. When the adults in their lives discourage their expressing difficult emotions, children have no other recourse than to hold in their anger and sadness, ever so tightly. Dr. Mate connects serious illness, in some instances, with the fact that the nervous system only has so much energy to expend for “pushing down powerful emotions that cry out for expression.”

Below is a technique to use with children, which will help them validate their emotions. This will
result in their having less stress and better health. When a child is upset, ask, “What are you
feeling?” 

Mostly, both big people and little people have to learn how to validate emotions through
identifying what is felt and how the feeling relates to what is happening in life. The key to success
within this work is to watch when you feel uncomfortable or unhappy about something said or
done. Then do the work of identifying what emotion is arising.

The following five simple steps will give children a method for identifying what it is they are
feeling. 

Hold up one of your hands with your palm open toward your face. Look at your fingers. Let
your first four fingers represent a feeling: glad, sad, mad, and “afrad.” (The word “afraid” is
tweaked here to allow a rhyme.) In this exercise your thumb can represent guilt. My suggestion is
to present these steps to your children, helping them to memorize the process. The idea, here, is to
get the children to identify their feelings and feel O.K. about expressing them, rather than to act
out their feelings.

Step 1: Beginning with your little finger, say, “glad,” while deciding whether or not this is the
emotion you are feeling. Probably, you aren’t feeling glad in the midst of a difficult moment. Yet,
this little finger (our glad finger) can remind us that within every difficult circumstance we can find
something for which to be glad or grateful.

Step 2: Move to your ring finger and say, “sad,” while asking yourself, “Am I feeling sad? Have I
been hurt by this thought of mine or by what has happened just now?” Our negative thoughts can
hurt as much as words from others. Watch for them and weed them out as quickly as they come.
Negative thoughts pull you down and are self-destructive.

Step 3: Next hold up your middle finger and say, “mad,” as this is one of our frequent feelings. 
Keep in mind that irritation and frustration are derivatives of anger. Ask, “Am I frustrated? Am I
irritated?”

Step 4: Now, hold up your index finger and say “afrad” (afraid). Consider the emotion of fear
by asking yourself, “Am I feeling fear or anxiety in this situation?”

Step 5: End with your thumb, saying, “My thumb stands for guilt.” Ask yourself, “Is guilt what I
am feeling within this situation?” If we have done something hurtful to oneself or to another, wecan ask to be forgiven. Then, release that feeling of guilt, as it no onger belongs to you.  Thumbs up for overcoming that guilt.

Taking time with children in this way allows for intimacy through opening the door for them to talk about what in life has become hard for them.

Who has ever lived without this question arising from one’s consciousness from time to time? This little story titled, “Twins in the womb” by an anonymous author that prompts further thought.

One day a mother conceived twins.

One child was a girl; the other a boy.

Months passed, and they developed

As they grew they sang for joy:

“Isn’t it great to be alive!”

Together they explored their mother’s womb.

When they found their mother’s life cord,

They shouted for joy:

“How great is our mother’s love,

That she shares her life with us!”

Soon the twins began to change drastically.

Noticing the changes, the boy asked,

“What does this mean?”

“It means our life in the womb

Is coming to an end,” said the girl

“But I don’t want to leave the womb,”

I want to stay here forever.”

“We have no choice” said the girl

“But maybe there is life after birth.”

“How can there be?” asked the boy.

“We will shed our mother’s cord,

And how is life possible without it?

Besides, there’s evidence in the womb

that others were here before us,

and none of them ever came back

to tell us that there is life after birth.

No. this is the end.”

And, so the boy fell into despair, saying,

“If life in the womb ends in death,

What’s its purpose? What’s its meaning?

Maybe we don’t even have a mother.

Maybe we made her up just to feel good.”

“But we must have a mother,” said the girl.

“How else did we get here?

How else do we stay alive?”

And so the last days in the womb

Were filled with deep questioning and fear.

Finally, the moment of birth arrived.

When the twins opened their eyes,

They cried for joy!

What they saw exceeded their wildest dreams.

Within the womb, it was all about hanging in there, receiving all that was provided. The ambience was one of exclusive trust. There was nothing to do but trust! After birth the pace escalates exceedingly! Our minds developed and we grew in full stature, becoming complete little persons—even before seeing the light of day.

Coming into the world through the birthing process we take on various capacities of responsibility. The thing we can do rather easily (for the most part) is to procreate. And, how wonderful this gift is! It is astounding and wondrous to perpetuate life on earth! Having our own children brings great joy . . . along with plenty of continuous challenges.

Mostly, all of us look for ways to be resourceful, earning our way in life. But, like the twins in the womb, we don’t really know what’s up ahead. But God does. Just as life after birth exceeded the dreams of the twins, so life after death will super-exceed any dreams we have ever had!

”That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him,” (1 Corinthians 2:9, New Living Translation).

By Joy Le Page Smith, MA, BCC

Visit my homepage, which offers multiple “helps” for people who hurt: www.healinglifespain.com

I have thought myself to be a woman of faith. But in some situations anxiety has been a frequent companion. In those instances, my mind never seems to stop its efforts to “work it out,” meaning, I feel sure I can do something that will be more helpful, thus put an end to the dilemma.

Constantly I must pull back my helping hands, sit on my feelings of helplessness, and simply trust, praying, “God, help me to believe that you are in control.” Okay, then I may chortle at myself which brings a little relief—until the next round.

Fear is an awesome boxer, especially when our trainer—the world—repeatedly says, “Seeing is believing.” So, when we do not see any signs of getting what we hope for, when the odds look entirely against us, do we bolt? Run and hide? Or, as believers choose to stand on higher ground?

Our reality as people of faith calls us to look beyond difficult situations, keeping our eyes on the horizon of hope. The writer of Hebrews explains: “Now faith is the assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we do not see,” (Hebrews 11:1).

When we are gasping for breath within life’s battle of addiction, financial concerns, unemployment, relational struggles, or squaring off with challenging health concerns (the list goes on) . . . hoping to get at least a toe-hold . . . where do we turn?

A good starting point is to link into the sermons and teachings of God’s faithful servants, our priests and pastors, and to the inspired pages of the Bible. It was St. Paul who instructed us to find faith “through hearing, what is heard being the word of Christ.”

It is so easy to use religious phraseology, expressing what we hold to be true, but when our backs are against the ropes, where it feels like we are taking one swift blow after another, this is a different matter. To say at that point, “I know God will triumph” means faith is speaking.

One writer, Oswald Chambers, put it this way: “The trial of our faith gives us a good banking account in the heavenly places, and when the next trial comes, our wealth there will tide us over. If we have confidence in God beyond the actual . . . we shall see the lie at the heart of the fear, and our faith will win through in every dilemma.”

This points to spiritual muscle, something we do not acquire by curling up in the corner fretting about our losses. It comes in exercising our faith, volleying it over and over into the face of our fears.

Words written long ago by Isaiah bless me today: “Because the Lord helps me, I will not be dismayed. Therefore, I have set my face like flint to do His will and I know I will triumph,” (Isaiah 50:7).

Comfort comes, too, in saying, “God, you must trust me a lot or you would know I couldn’t go through this!” For sure, He always offers enough encouragement to keep us, His people, from bolting and running to the side of bitterness, cynicism and revolt.

Some, like my husband, Gary, live out a philosophy of “I’ll take each day as it comes; there is no sense in worrying about tomorrow.” This is almost word for word what Jesus said. But there are times when this is hard for some of us to believe. People like me, who seem to have been born battling tendencies to look ahead, adjust and fix, think we can somehow save ourselves from something bad happening. In part, this is true. But we can overdo it. We need not to be worriers. With God’s help—and our faith—we always come out on top while gaining a new perspective.

It helps within this stage of the “fight” to become aware when fear is creeping into our thoughts. (This sounds simple, but recognizing when we are worrying is one mighty big first step!) Second, speaking to the fear outright, saying, “Be gone!” puts us in command. Next, offer up praise to God that He is all powerful and in control of all. Rejoice in the fact we are never alone. The Lord is always with us! And, each time our faith is tried we can emerge as stronger people.

That heavenly bank account spoken of earlier can at times seem too small, yet there is always enough for what is needed—if we don’t panic. The fact we keep increasing our ability to trust—while not giving up, is the reason we come out triumphant. It could take a while, but it’s sure to come.

For believers, our reality does not lie within circumstances. Our reality lies with trusting God, knowing “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose,” (Romans 8:28). 

When our son, Ted, was six years old, he was intrigued with the Bible story of Peter walking on water. With childlike faith he headed for the irrigation ditch to give it a try. But born in the space-age Ted knew something about backup systems. He wore his galoshes.

When Ted became a man he told me of his little trip to the ditch and how hard it was on his faith. I’m glad to see him as a grown man, along with his brothers, faithfully “walking on waters” in a spiritual sense. I wonder how Peter must have felt. Under the best of circumstances—in the physical presence of Jesus—his faith moved right out from underneath him.

The trials we face day-by-day are not the same choppy waters that Peter tried to master, but the test is the same. Peter took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the circumstance. It was doubt and fear that flooded out his faith. The question is, how to keep our eyes on the master when the storms are raging? How do we have faith when the “waves” are high and mighty?

First, what is faith? It is having “confidence in what we hope for and assurance of things not seen,” (Hebrews 11:1).

This means faith is holding fast to something even before we see it happening—mentally picturing our answer and saying “thank you” although it is not yet a fact. Faith is all wrapped up in what’s holy, and although challenging, it is wholly obtainable.

So, where do we get faith? (Romans 10:17), tells us it comes from “hearing what is preached from the word of God.”

Through faith we move within a storm to a place of peace, on top of the “waters” waiting the storm out.

Unfortunately, we don’t always do that. We get stressed up, toss and turn in the night and sometimes get an ulcer. Then, just as the Master reached out and saved Peter before he sank into the dark waters, our Lord rescues us. But not before we uttered Peter’s cry, “Lord, save me.” Our Lord knows we are weak—and he loves us within our struggles.

The Psalmist knew what it was like to be nearly overwhelmed by the waters of affliction as he wrote: “all your waves and billows are gone over me.” Yet, said, “He brought me up also out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and established my steps,” (Psalms 40:2).

Could it be that we have one foot on the rock and the other on shifting sands? Is this why some of us are experiencing “the pits?”

Faith brings new vision. Vision without the limitations of physical sight allows us to see beyond the storm of the moment. The apostle Paul intended this when he admonished us to “walk in the spirit.”

Strangely enough, it is often the little things that ripple the waters of life. Thoughtless words and actions trip us up. So often it is our pride that hurts the most. But it is false pride that says we “cannot make mistakes.”

Clarence J. Enzler wrote in My Other Self, “Should your imperfections momentarily gain the upper hand, you do well to be displeased at your fault . . . . When you allow yourself to be dejected over your involuntary faults, it is because you think you are better than you really are. And once you allow your imperfections to upset you, you are likely to find yourself in a sharp tongue, irritable mood in all that you do.”

I believe God has faith, too. Faith in us. Instead of seeing us as we are now, He sees us as we will be when His work is finished in us. We must have faith in ourselves, too, knowing that he is working with his best tools at the safest speed to bring us into what He would like us to be. God does not get frustrated with us. Instead, he is there to help us when we want to bail out on ourselves.

It will take a lifetime to overcome each and every innate weakness. Yet each time we succeed in resisting the temptation to go our own way we are stronger for the next go-around and each time we keep our eyes on the Master in the middle of the storm, faith grows.

There seems to be a powerful inner aversion to loving and appreciating ourselves, at least for many of us.

We wrap ourselves up in “Almighty Work” with goals for owning lovely homes, impressive cars, garments of every shape and color. This is all well and good, as long as the work itself and what we are able to produce through it, are not perceived to be the measure of our worth.

True celebration of what could offer heartfelt, memorable moments is robbed of its glory, as most often work wins out. Who has not felt an edge of guilt while sitting with a treasured book? After all, the yard needs work and floors beg cleaning.

Yet, life can become monotonous if we  don’t recognize the definite need for making sure there is time to enjoy and savor the fruits of our labors—alongside clocking in at work, plus cleaning pots and pans and doing the laundry, while training energized children!

Always, there will be the inevitable surprises of life. Having a balanced life makes us better prepared for these when they come.

Loving ourselves means taking time out to simply enjoy the gift of human “beingness.” Like taking an hour to read a novel—or even 15 minutes to simply think about good memories . . . playing with the children, or the dog . . . take a walk or run through the park. . . have a meaningful conversation . . . or write a loving letter to a close friend. These are a few poignant ways for reviving the spirit. It just takes loving oneself enough to grant these little leisures.

Then, what of the Sabbath day of rest we are called to set aside for restful wholeness? Have you ever noticed how many promises are extended for those who obey this Biblical commandment? It seems to be a direct criterion for good health and happiness, yet so often is ignored. We wonder why our hearts skip beats, flutter amiss or give up early. Could it be that we are failing to give ourselves essential time for restoration?

Charles E. Cowman, author of the devotional titled Streams in the Desert, wrote, “There is no music in the rest, but there is the making of music in the rest.” What would it be like if instruments in the orchestra sounded with every beat? No doubt discomfort or anxiety would see us walking out before the performance ends.

Could it be prideful attitudes, thinking we are indestructible and indispensable, or lack of trust in the “Conductor” that keeps us from following undisputable directives? Or, a rebellious attitude . . . “I’ll play it my way.”

God loved us so much He gave commands to keep us from running amok. It is actually good self-love when we keep them. However, life without respect for God’s directives brings brokenness, deficits, regrets and guilt! We all are in the same drum kettle. We want to make beautiful music with our lives. Doing so means we must practice good self-care by taking time to listen for what is taking place in our souls.

Being one’s own best friend means we won’t believe the worst about ourselves just because it is easiest. Instead we will weed out those harsh, chastising, guilt-ridden messages that can be prevalent—the negative self-talk—and speak up for our own solid goodness. After all, we are children of God. And, “God don’t make junk,” as one fine author states it.

When we truly begin to get a sense of our own goodness, instead of becoming self-centered (as is easily feared) that love moves outward, evidenced by a strengthened capacity for more earnestly caring about others and even the whole world.

I will never forget a day while driving down McCulloch Avenue, when a thought made a quantum leap into my consciousness. In a momentary awakening, the usual “me first” attitude is replaced by an indescribable sense of oneness. For several moments it seems we all are moving to the beat of One Heart.

I was flooded with the deepest sense of caring never experienced before–an intense desire for all of us to arrive on time, whatever the place or the cause, filled my thoughts. Since then, a truth is becoming apparent: The more I love myself, the more capacity there is to love others. Was Jesus trying to tell us this when He said, “Love your neighbor as yourself?”

What if we do the ultimate, by becoming more in tune with “the Director,” intent on following what He called “the first command, “you shall love the Lord our God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength,” Mark 12:20. A love and appreciation of self (and others) could flow, even on McCulloch! Happy Valentine’s Day. 

Gary and I experienced a surprising happenstance while on vacation years back. We still can stop to savor it. We were hiking in Ecola Park, at Cannon Beach, Oregon, when we passed an older man on the trail. He asked Gary, “Do you have the time, Sir?” Both of us looked at our watches as Gary gave him the time.

That proved to be the beginning of an astounding encounter. As it happened, this man turned out to be anything but ordinary. He was elderly, appearing to be a little unkempt but fit enough to take to the trail.  It was his spirit that took us by surprise.

Conversation sparked and some of his words still come to mind even as years have passed. Without mentioning God, this man told us much about Him, inadvertently answering questions I had sorely pondered.

Tears surfaced when the “old man of the trail” spoke of how joy is to be at the bottom of all we do—that “fun” is at the base of the word “function”—and how we can go as far as we want to go, see as much as we want to see and experience as much as we want to experience while riding through life on the crest of joy.

As if talking was not enough, the man asked, “May I sing?” We were happy to let him. He began singing in a different language. Then he sang in English to the same melody, now stretching out his hands as if to include nature. It was a phenomenal experience right there at the edge of the Pacific Ocean!

I began to wonder if he were a real person or perhaps an angel; were we being “entertained unawares,” as Scripture speaks of happening with humans at times?

So, I questioned him, “What is your field or profession?”

“Psychopharmacology,” he answered. “The study of the effect drugs have on the human mind.”

He had been a teacher at a medical school in Portland. No doubt now retired. But ever so alive!

We remained spell-bound for half an hour, during which neither Gary nor I spoke more than two or three sentences. It was as if we had nothing to say of importance in the light of what was pouring out of this man’s copious heart.

As we parted, we spontaneously hugged the “stranger.” Throughout the day Gary and I returned to his words, knowing that God had touched us powerfully through them. It was fun to muse inwardly of how this guy could possibly have been an angel sent to us on the trail. Yet, surely it is even more spectacular that God could use one human being to touch and bless the lives of two others, who are absolute strangers—so soundly in such a short span of time. That was the “miracle.”

The second little miracle was that we gave him “the time of day.” And, that he had stopped us and asked for it! 

We pondered a lot that day. We could see how all of us on earth can be a blessing to others. It takes being willing to “stick our necks out,” rather than to live encased in ourselves and our “immediates.”  

It does take time to perchance enrich another, even if briefly. And, it takes daring to see God in all those we meet, realizing these moments as “Divine Appointments.” How different would life be, if only we could ride the waves of life experiencing more serendipitous moments!

Solomon’s words says it best in Proverbs 17:22, “A joyful heart is good medicine,”

Think of life as “riding the waves,” experiencing the “fun” in the midst of our “functions.” Laughter is a major pleasure that we can enjoy daily right at home, relieving much of our pent up tensions. Watch for it, as opportunities abound.

Here’s one that happened while working on a column for Today’s Herald-News in January: I intended to write, “Have you noticed how good it feels to sing, whistle, hum and enjoy music?” However, I inadvertently left the “g” off the word “sing.” When Gary, my excellent first-line editor, caught this faux pas we laughed—big time!  I quickly added the “g,” so the word could read “sing” instead of “sin.” That was close.

We are funny little creatures, as humans. Laughing at ourselves helps us stay sane! It is like medicine to our soul . . . helping us surf through life with excitement!

Did you know that positive thinking positively changes the chemistry of our bodies? We learn about this through a field of medicine called psychoneuroimmunology*, an aspect of medicine that deals with what is taking place in the mind, the will, and the emotions of a person.

This long word indicates that everything that goes on in our psyches affects our neurological system, our immune system, and our endocrine system. Later, the scientists found the hormonal system is also affected either positively or negatively by our thoughts. That is why the asterisk is added. Apparently, making the word any longer than psychoneuroimmunology wasn’t advisable.

The body is equipped with amazing intelligence. It is continuously at work fostering stability, balance and healing within our many organs, systems and tissues. Yet, we can disrupt that process, simply through the way we think. Fear, anxiety, negativity are three major culprits. Yet, perhaps the worst are bitterness, hatred, and thoughts of revenge. Unhealthy thoughts are for sure enemies of good health.

Other enemies to our good health are more familiar, like poor eating habits, not getting enough rest, smoking, heavy drinking and taking drugs other than those prescribed by doctors. These are things we can do something about. Yet, the hardest of all may well be controlling our thoughts.

In my work, it is evident that a large percentage of people are giving minimal thought of the very large role spirituality plays in wholeness. Truly, the soul is most wholesome when we have a concept of who we are, what our gifts are and why being here on the globe matters.

The happiest people on earth are not those with clever jokes, entertaining us—or the people with “ a lotta money.” No, the happiest people on earth have discovered a life that is meaningful, one that holds purpose. They most often are those who have concluded “there is a God”— One who loves them through and through . . . the One who has allowed this experience of life. Great enjoyment comes in finding God is present to us.

Last week’s column held remarkable scientific facts indicating that we are built to enjoy this life. Yet, many do not.  Rather, they are simply trying to numb out with alcohol and/or opioids hoping to escape how bad they feel. Not only do 200 people die daily from overdose in the US, now—but our suicide rate is without a doubt climbing.

It is always good to look closely at this truth: We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Believing we are humans here to do whatever bangs our shutters, gets us into major trouble.

Within my 25 years of doing mental health counseling, I ask within the first session, “Why do you think we are here?” Some don’t even want to think about that question. A few say, “I don’t know.” But, mostly I am given an answer that rings amazingly true for the majority. After giving it some thought, most say, “We are here to help others.” Or, “We are here to learn.” They come for help when their lives are upside down, but, while thinking deeply and looking inward, they innately know what life is really, truly about.

Take the word “psychoneuroimmunology.” It is the study of the connection between the psyche and the extent it can affect the very cells and juices of our bodies. The word “psyche” is synonymous with the word “soul.” This may clarify why our beliefs, thoughts and emotions play a significant role in our body’s ability to stay well. In my studies, I discovered a seldom realized precept: Feelings follow thoughts. So, when you feel rotten, ask yourself, “WHAT WAS I THINKING!”

Holy Writ supports wholesome thinking throughout. Philippians 4:8-9, gives the nutshell version, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Medical doctors can do wonderful things for us when we get sick. But when it comes to thoughts and emotions—we are in control. We hold the power to take dominion over what can rob us of one of the greatest pursuits of life: good health!

Last August, our youngest son had open heart surgery. In view of other serious health problems, I tried to prepare myself, should he not survive. I feared my own heart would cave in if the news any parent fears should need to be heard.

“He has so much more life to live; please God intervene,” was my prayer. As Gary and I waited long hours, it was as if I could barely breathe or think. Then from deep within, I heard, “I am here with you.’” Strength, comfort and fresh hope arose. Rejoicing came with the doctor’s report, “Two bypasses—and His heart is pumping on its own.” We were assured the next few days would be “ify.” But, happily, our son is with us today!

Many of us have known times of feeling like we are about to “cave in,” yet were given an inner sense of not being here on the globe alone. Rather, we felt joined by the Almighty One, who is fully able to make “the necessary happen.” And, God alone knows what that is.

Are you noticing how each time we go through a trial, we come out stronger? Oswald Chambers put it this way, “The trial of our faith gives us a good banking account in the heavenly places, and when the next trial comes our wealth there will tide us over. If we have confidence in God beyond the actual . . . we shall see the lie at the heart of the fear, and our faith will win through in every detail.”

That heavenly bank account does at times seem way too small. Still, there is always enough for what is needed—if we hold steady and pray our way through. Jesus has told us to “pray always.” This way, we can stop short of panicking.

All of the above is about growing spiritual muscle, which is something we do not get by curling up in the corner fretting in fear of losses. It comes in exercising our faith, thrusting it over and over into the face of our fears.

Doing battle with fear is not easy as fear is an awesome boxer. Especially when our tendencies lean toward, “seeing is believing.” So, when we “do not” see signs of getting what we hope for, and when the odds seem entirely against us, it is easy to start losing our footing.

This battle is common to us all, but especially so when our children are involved. Countless times, while raising three sons, I have taken a troubling matter to God, while visualizing the act of putting the situation “on the altar.” (Remember Abraham’s great moment of putting his son there?) Then, I renege. My mind never seems to stop its efforts to “figure it all out.” I slip into varied mental gyrations. Waiting patiently gets passed by with my intense desire to “do something to fix it” more quickly. Waiting on God might take too long, right?

Spiritual battles call for growth. Persistence is gained as we work our way through them. There are times when it seems our backs are against the ropes and we find ourselves hanging on with all our might. With battered emotions, we remember to call on God. We may even recall a Scripture like, “Lo, I am with you always.” Strength comes! We stop gasping for breath and face up to that “old’ enemy in the ring.” Placing our trust afresh in the Lord strengthens our resolve and provides a “second wind.”

It is through winning the battle over fear that we truly are able to live on a higher level of reality. While in those tight and fearsome places we learn to look beyond actualities, and stay focused on the powerful truths of Scripture that bolster our faith—like, “Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid or dismayed. The Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9).