By Joy Le Page Smith, MA, BCC

We all have experienced nudgings to write a “word of thanks” or one which carries encouragement. That happened to me recently after reading the article in Today’s News-Herald that featured Jean Bishop’s reflections after 30 years of public service.

There was a lot on my plate that day, yet the article seemed to warrant taking time to thank this woman who has helped so many through her career as a Mohave County Supervisor. After a little push to clear my desk saw me putting words to paper.

What surprised me was Jean Bishop’s immediate response saying she was moved emotionally by my note. She spoke of having shared it on her social media page. Jean called saying, “I took the liberty to put your letter on my Facebook page. I hope you are okay with that.”

I said, “Sure, no problem”–then asked Jean how she would feel about this interaction being shared with others. She responded, “Please do as I was deeply touched by your message.” Based on Jean’s “Okay,” here is my note to her:

Dear Jean Bishop, today, you need flowers and beautiful cards. I hope and pray these come to you.

It sounds like your retirement will be great. Please be well–and “go for the gusto!” I want to also thank you for being honest in the article of July 31.  It allows me to know pain and ingratitude came your way. I am sorry for that. People are afraid these days. This is probably truer now than ever. And anger, along with hurt, are present for many people, in varying degrees, while experiencing fear. At the bottom of hurt and anger is fear. So, pat yourself on the back for hanging in there with a career of working with people who can go off the chart with their hurt/anger/fear to the point of wanting someone else to hurt. Of course sometimes we all encounter people who enjoy hurting others as it makes them feel less afraid, more able to handle their sense of being “a loser” or “less than.” Forgiving them can be hard, but it is surely a salve for the soul once we can do it. Jesus said, “Pray for your enemies,” No doubt He knew the healing effect that comes to us when we do so. (It is a hard thing to do…for most of us.)

The Lord bless you and keep you, Jean, as you go forward. And, if you ever want to talk, please call…leaving a message for me so I can reach you in return.

En fin–What a good soldier you have been! Let the truth of your good work soak your soul, leaving no room for former “hassles.”

In appreciation, Joy

Pictured above is Jean Bishop with her beloved poodle.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if readers, today, would feel the urge to write a note of appreciation to one of our leaders during this election time, which appears to be creating a lot of angst with the oncoming “changing of the guards?” Let’s show these dedicated people that there is more “out there” than accusations and attacks. Let’s open our hearts and extend kindness and appreciation to those who have worked hoping to bring better services to Mohave County.

About the author: Joy Le Page Smith is a Board certified clinical chaplain. Her articles and blogs are read in 32 countries. Joy’s four books are available on her home page at Healing-with-Joy.com where readers can view her children’s book titled, The Little Mountain Goat Who Was Afraid of High Places.

By Chaplain Joy Le Page Smith, MA

Phil, 14 was just a kid. He was quiet, polite and a good student. No one could know what was ahead or how he would change lives—until the day the call came. “Hello, Joy. Have you heard about Janet?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“It is all over the news. Your friend Janet was murdered. Her kid killed her.”

I screamed and dropped the phone. As weeks and months came and went, grief took my days. A gnawing/griping depression settled in and required professional help before I could manage a semblance of normality.

Phil’s mother and I had been close friends for ten years. She was raising Phil alone, as his father deserted the two of them soon after Phil’s birth. This little boy grew up among us and was loved like one of the family. I remember hearing him pray at our Thanksgiving table. Janet had asked if Gary and I would raise Phil if she were to die. She had a dream that found her obsessing a bit with thinking she could not finish the job of raising her son.

That was not to be. Phil was sent to live out his teens at a closed adolescent treatment center. There, with the time, space and expertise available, he came to discover what was true about himself. Phil accepted responsibility for this violent crime. Locked gates forbid Phil’s freedom, but it was obvious how much more painful were the shackles of remorse, sadness and fear of himself. 

Our talks took place in four-way, phone conversations while a psychiatrist and a priest listened. It was intense—and difficult. Yet, his words brought a particle of understanding to a crime so hard to comprehend. Phil told me of how he grew to hate his mother, early in his teens. At first it was resentment over a decision she made that found him fuming. Next came small acts practiced to hurt his mother, like not listening to her, refusing to answer when she spoke. Then thoughts of how he could hurt her more. This grew into his desire to be rid of her.

Preceding the crime, books and music portraying bloody, abusive behavior produced a mental track through which Phil lost his way. Child that he was, he could not perceive the gate to evil he allowed his mind to open, which ultimately unleashed such extreme brutality.

Phil is not shifting the blame for what he did onto the media, or the games he gave himself to. He said, “I was the one who did it.” He is characterized by his therapist as “honest and sincere.”

As Phil and I talked, there was great pain. Yet, time and treatment brought change. He was grateful we could talk and seemed deeply touched with each offering of goodness about his mother that I could extend to him. He said, “Dreams of my mother at night bring both comfort and agony.”

Once Phil was released from the treatment center, he chose not to keep an appointment set for our meeting face to face.  Years later, I heard from a friend that Phil was able to build a healthy life in a different state. He married and had a family. This was helpful to my healing.

Words do not display the depths of this sorrow, or the gravity of the crime that many of us in our community felt. And, there is a principle at work here that applies to each one of us. Every action we take begins in the mind—starts with our thoughts. In Phil’s case, the mind’s fertile ground resulted in poison fruit for which he paid dearly, as did all of us who loved him and his mother.

The greatest of all facts is that Phil found God’s forgiveness. In the midst of this horrible thing, he found the foremost and best of all truths: God extends forgiveness to all who ask.

There are many kinds of sin. And God forgives them all when we “truly” repent and turn from them. It is difficult to admit it when we are on a wrong track. But with God’s help we can do hard things. Millions upon millions—even trillions of people throughout time have told their stories of how the Lord has instilled the power to break strongholds of many kinds, including anger, resentment, jealousy, pride and bitterness.

Scripture indicates there is only one unforgiveable sin, “ . . . whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come,” (Matthew 12:31). If you think you have committed a sin that cannot be forgiven, https://healing-with-joy.com/have-i-commited-the-unforgiveable-sin/ for words which hold power to end that fear.

Decades have passed since the tragedy. It took time to reach the ability to tell it. Doing so comes from believing, for some, relating it will serve to heal. (The names of individuals have been changed.)

Throughout the day I turned to God in prayer, pleading for our country’s well-being and safety. I prayed for peace and to forsake my arising fears. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Trying to think about anything else was difficult as disquieting thoughts surfaced persistently.

“We have to own up to our feelings,” is a lesson learned through life and my work as a mental health counselor. Prayer became my best match for all the emotion felt. I was reminded to pray for myself first, then for all involved. Amazing the change that comes through caring and praying for others, while setting aside the tendency to be judgmental.

Anger is a challenging emotion. I like many others, grew up believing anger was bad, something to avoid, or at least hide. Feelings were denied, pushed down deep inside. The reasons for this were in part due to messages perceived incorrectly, like “If you are a good Christian you won’t get angry.”  Beyond that, to a child it can seem like “dangerous business” to show ire.

Unfortunately, in many homes there is little teaching on how to effectively deal with difficult emotions. The results?  The gulping down of feelings, which is hazardous behavior to both emotional and physical health. Ideally, somewhere in time we come upon the truth of Ephesians 6: 26, “Be angry and sin not . . .” We are expected to feel these feelings and to honor them by admitting the feelings to ourselves and to God. The verse continues with, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” Here, we see God’s desire for us to let Him help us move beyond our anger, our hurt feelings, the shock and awe of dangerous and difficult happenings—and to do so before we close our eyes to sleep. This makes sense from a psychological stance, as in this way we do not let it settle securely into our subconscious mind—where it is hard to heal.

But what about all those early years during which some of us denied anger, slept on it, and let it creep down into the cerebral grooves giving root to bitterness? Is there hope for its safe release so we can be free of its affecting our future?

According to one psychologist, Eugene Wiesner of Billings, Montana who for decades taught workshops on “God’s Psychology,” the answer is “yes.” He explains that old, tamped-down anger must be allowed to surface and come to healing. How does that happen? By forgiving our enemies. And, forgiving everything that has hurt us in life.  What good can come of hanging on to all that old stuff? It serves only to burn the soul like an acid.

So, rather than to avoid situations that trigger the anger or fall into old patterns of sullenness or resentment, he advises looking at that old pain each time it arises, then setting the will afresh to let it go. That is forgiveness. And, that is healing. Life is a learning experience—and God expects us to mature spiritually as we increase in years.

Then when the battle gets hot, and much is surfacing, calling for help through prayer carries tremendous power, and can put finishing touches on the task. One many multitudes of people have used throughout history is “The Jesus Prayer.” [1]

Wiesner taught that each time difficult feelings are triggered it is healing to simply ask Jesus to succor us as we lift these up to Him. In this way, given time, our souls become free from all the buried wrath and sorrows.

He told of dealing with frequently explosive feelings toward one of his sons. Yet, after working for three years with his emotions and using the “Jesus prayer,” Wiesner found the patience and endurance he had longed so much to gain. He said, “I eventually came to love my son unconditionally.”

Through the years, I, too, learned that persevering in the hard work of inner healing, choosing to persistently forgive the painful happenings of life. This sees me no longer at the mercy of my emotions. Jesus’ taught us to forgive, even to pray for our enemies. Doing so may seem like a hard pill to swallow, but it is good medicine, as it brings peace to one’s heart.

[1] If you want The Jesus Prayer” go to my website at www.healing-with-Joy.com and click on “Quick Aids.”

By Chaplain Joy Le Page Smith, MA

Years ago my friend Marge’s teenage son was killed while skiing with friends and classmates at Bogus Basin Ski Resort. He ran into a tree and was killed instantly.

That night after my friend received the news in her home I witnessed astounding faith.

“Tommy is with God,” she said through her tears. “He is now praying for us.”

She was suffering all the feelings of shock and unbelief that Tom could be taken from their home so suddenly, but the overriding theme flowing from Marge that night was one of trust and assurance that God would bring meaning to Tom’s death.

A Mass was scheduled the following morning at Bishop Kelly High School for a grieving student body, along with the family. Marge said, “Jim and I cannot go. But it would make me happy if you would go.”

The gymnasium was filled with students, friends and faculty. Tom had been designated “Outstanding Sophomore of the year.” He was a treasured person. That fact of his distinctive acumen was born out by more than words.

People gathered. Words were said. And, comfort came as compassion was felt. No doubt each came away with some nugget of truth. For me it was Father William Dodgson’s words: “This is a time when Tom would want you to make your faith work.”

We all grapple with the meaning of life and death–and come away like Jacob of the Old Testament, injured but blessed. We have a new appreciation for life’s essence. We find ourselves blessed in the realization that each one of us is mortal, reminded not to take people for granted.

Grief is torture. It strikes us cruelly, ripping away the peripherals, giving us a long look at our nakedness. It is human life that is at stake. Time seems to stand still while we grieve. It is a time for “verbal thinking” and “notional beliefs” to make that long journey from head to heart. Often faith is weighed in the balance and found wanting as we cry out, “Lord I believe . . . help my unbelief!”

While caught in the throes of grief sometimes we cling to God for our strength and solace and other times we throw our anger like into His face, attempting to empty ourselves of the burden. But if we refrain from turning our backs on Go—if we wait, watch and listen instead of running – we will encounter His response, the long loving gaze of a Father who also has suffered. A Father who understands.

John 14:1-2, tells us, “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know. ”

How wonderful are the truths of Scripture.

About the author: Joy Le page Smith, MA is a Board Certified Clinical Chaplain. Visit Healing-with-Joy.com for Joy’s blog along with many helpful articles addressing life’s difficulties. Her books and blogs are read in up to 32 countries. Her second site is at Healingwithjoy.blogspot.com

By Chaplain Joy Le Page Smith, MA

Have you experienced thinking you had forgiven someone only to feel uncomfortable the next time you saw them or heard their voice on the phone? Or, struggled with no longer being able to see him or her as the loving person you once enjoyed?

There is a tenet in psychology called the “angel/devil principle,” which describes the common experience of thinking highly of a person, admiring him or her until such time as you are rejected or deeply hurt by them. Then, that person can hardly do anything right. All their future seesaw actions are seen through smudged glass. Where once there was trust, suspicion has set up housekeeping. This occurrence is subtle, often hard to recognize for the devilish thing that it is, and no doubt falls into the category of what the writer of Hebrews warned against: a “root of bitterness allowed to spring up and defile.” But what about those of us who are trying to keep our hearts disentangled as we continue to pray, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us?”

What is going on when we find ourselves wanting to avoid certain people? Maybe it stems from that old self-preservation instinct that promotes the attitude, “Why let myself in for more pain?” Distance is safety, or so we think. Yet, Jesus told us to pray for our enemies. How much more so for those who were once friends?

More often than not, we have fallen into the “debts” and “oughts.” One party feels the other ought to apologize, while the other feels indebted, having to live with the knowledge of pain caused. Jesus’ parable of the merciless official (Matthew 18:21-35) vividly portrays the results when forgiveness is withheld. Author David Seamands describes in Healing for Damaged Emotions, “. . . this whole debt system has been built into the human personality in a most incredible fashion. There is a sense of oughtness, of owing a debt, an automatic mechanism by which the built-in debt collectors (in the parable called ‘torturers’) go to work. We seek to atone for those wrongs, to pay the debt we owe or to collect the debt that someone else owes us. If we feel anger at ourselves, we say, ‘I must pay in full.’ Or, if we feel anger at someone else, that person must pay [or so we think.] In this way the whole inexorable process is set in motion as we/they are turned over to those inner tormentors: the jailers who work as debt collectors in this awful prison.

Jesus died to set us free. It is clear that forgiveness is given, when we ask, yet with expectations for us to in turn forgive others. The “prison” of all that inner torture is therefore avoided. But, when difficult feelings persist, does this mean forgiveness has not taken place?

Perhaps no one can speak on this more aptly than Corrie ten Boom, who was imprisoned in Auschwitz, a Nazi extermination camp. There, her father and sister died as this Dutch family suffered punishment for their efforts to help Jews during World War II. In her book, The Hiding Place, she wrote of the difficulties in trying to forgive one of the guards who had been extremely cruel. Later, in Tramp for God, she wrote these helpful words: “Up in the church tower is a bell which is rung by pulling on a rope. But you know what? After the sexton lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. First “ding,” then “dong.” Slower and slower until there’s a final “dong” and it stops. The same is true of forgiveness. When we forgive someone, we must take our hand off the rope. But, if we’ve been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn’t be surprised when the old angry thoughts keep coming up for a while. They’re just the “ding-dongs” of the old bell slowing down.”

How strengthening it is to know those old feelings are only echoes. Ones which in time will die out. “Peace, be still. It is forgiven,” can serve as a gentle reminder to keep our hands off the “rope” when old angers surface.

Herein lies the element of patience with ourselves for being human and with the process, giving it time. Meanwhile, if the heart pounds and feelings soar in the presence of that “certain person,” we are not alone. Christ stands there between us watching the struggle, waiting for us to call for His help.

Author info. Chaplain Joy Le Page Smith is a Board certified clinical chaplain. She is reaching readers with her books and websites in up to 32 countries. View her children’s book as a FREE video at healingwithjoy.blogspot.com as well as they many helpful articles on this site addressing life’s difficulties.