Chaplain Joy L. Smith, M.A., Spiritual Director

Once while attending an eight-day silent retreat, I discovered the edge of my comfort zone, a boundary beyond which I did not want God to go. As I examined this boundary with the help of my spiritual director, I found it was comprised of fear. I was afraid that if I committed myself more fully to God, He would ask something of me that I was not able, or willing, to give. I also feared the unknown. Would moving beyond this established boundary make me so “spiritual” that my husband, and other friends, could not enjoy my company? Would it affect the way I related to others?

God could not get any further with me until I was willing to work through my fears. Thankfully, my spiritual director spoke truth into my life, providing the ground on which my fears could crumble.

He said, “Joy, God is a passionate lover. Yet, God loves you and will never do anything to hurt your life. It is safe to trust God.” Somehow, I knew, from that point on, that God would only bring good changes into my life.

Strengthened and freed by that truth, I relinquished my fears and moved on to experience new and wondrous depths in prayer. I gained more comprehension of the unfathomable love of God. Many years have passed and I have not had a single regret in this matter, but I have also been filled with awe, many times, by how the Lord rewards me for believing and trusting enough to give up my lock and keys. How marvelous is this spiritual journey!

Exercise #1

Before beginning this exercise, please read the following Scripture passages: I Jn 4:18, Jas 4:8 and II Tim 1:7.

Please open the exercises with a prayer (use the words below, or your own, if you prefer).

Heavenly Father, I do not understand your ways. My thoughts are so far from Your thoughts. How can I comprehend the love and mercy You have extended? Open my eyes that I might see and understand. I want to believe that You have only good in store for me, that You know what is best, and that giving Your will preeminence above my own desires, will serve to bring the greatest possible happiness in this life and the next.

Lord, I do believe. Please help me with encroaching unbelief that plagues me at times. I ask for Your help, as I desire to relinquish my fears in order that You can work Your will in my life, unhindered. I want to know You and to more fully comprehend Your truths. Take my hand, take my heart. Be the Lover of my soul. Then, my sentiments for You, uniting with the great love You have for me, will break down fear’s boundaries and eradicate its pervasive confinements. Thank You for being patient with me, as You always are, always have been, and ever shall be. For it is Your nature to do so. As I learn more and more about abiding in You, I trust Your nature. Lord, Your will be mine through the work Your Holy Spirit is doing within me. Amen.

Journaling:

Step 1: Make a list of the people who have been most inspiring or helpful in your life. Include the heroes, meaning the teachers and closest friends, those who you find vividly ensconced in your memory. Next, carefully identify the characteristics each one of these individuals possesses. Put these in a separate column beside their names.

Now, let your mind linger on these characteristics, forming a portrait of the Father, the One who created us. Each of these characteristics (each talent, gift, or ability we admire, or benefit gained from others) was first a part of God, imparted to humans for the common good of all.

You may want to stay with the exercise for as long as possible, even up to an hour. Fill column after column with all the characteristics and giftedness you have ever seen or heard of in human beings. Then, as you try to envision One Being with all these benefits, you have moved closer to comprehending God, whom Jesus knew as “Father.” Trust and understanding will expand as you work with this exercise.

Step 2: Savor long moments with this wondrous Being. This is to contemplate, wordlessly, the awesomeness of embracing what is truly only a finite glimpse into God’s personhood, the one who is Parent of all Parents, Creator of Life, Light, and Love.

Step 3: During the coming days and weeks, consider this thought: Within each one who walks this earth, there is a little bit of God waiting to be discovered. This goodness, once seen, can touch your soul with great joy.

Conclusion of Exercise #1

Write a letter of appreciation to God for the goodness that you know exists in yourself. If you find resistance to this part of the exercise, due to a fear of being prideful, consider this definition of humility: “Knowing fully what you are, as well as what you are not.” God made us, and all that God has made is good.

Exercise #2

Step 1: Spend 1/2 hour in a quiet place, with a piece of paper and a pen. Take several days to complete this exercise, if you wish. Take 15 minutes for each of the four exercises below. It is best to do only one each day for four days, while not working beyond the 15 minutes suggested. Complete the sentences below by filling in the blanks. Following each of the four emotions, write as many entries as come to mind. On the following day, either continue working with that same emotion, or go on to another emotion. Continue with the exercise for as many days as it takes to feel finished.

1. I feel angry because_______________________

2 I feel hurt because________________________

3. I feel fearful (or anxious) about______________

4. I feel guilty because_______________________

As you work with each of the above efforts, be sure to stop at the end of 15 minutes. Then ask God for the grace and the ability to release the painful emotion and to submit it to God. Pray to be empowered with the ability to forgive the painful events of your life, along with all persons who have hurt you. Ask for God to forgive your failures and to strengthen you in your ability to forgive yourself for every poor choice and bad behavior, while releasing any felt guilt.

Sometimes we feel guilty when we are not truly guilty. We are guilty when we have intended to do harm, or when we have thoughtlessly hurt another by being inconsiderate of his or her feelings and needs. See Addendum on page 114 titled “Are You Suffering from False Guilt” for more coverage on this subject.

Ask for God’s help as you give up all fears you listed in #3 above. In the future, form a habit of admitting your fears to God when they present themselves, choosing to believe that God loves you and is there (and will be there) for you in the midst of all your needs. Tell yourself: “There is nothing I need to fear.” Use this affirmation anytime you are fearful. Breathe away the emotion, releasing it, each time the emotion is felt. Do the same when you feel anxiety.

Step 2: Complete the following sentence while making as many entries as you can within a 15 minute time frame:

I am thankful because_______________________

Conclusion of Exercise #2

Stop all thoughts, or mental pictures, bringing your mind to a state of inner quietude. Sit, basking in the truth that God loves you very much. It may help to think of this experience as being like sitting in the warmth of the sun. Let the truth that you are loved by God go deep into your psyche (soul). Sense your spirit as being united with God…rest…and let God cradle your being.

When words or pictures come to mind, let them go. Nothing else is important during these 15 minutes, except for feeling united with God. (During this part of the exercise, take more time, if doing so feels appropriate for you.)

You may be amazed at the results if you use the above prayer step early, before starting each day. Make notes about any subtle, or not so subtle, changes that have transpired for you. Share with a trusted friend or spiritual mentor what takes place for you as you complete these exercises. In so doing, you will more fully validate your spiritual and emotional advancements.

By Chaplain Joy Le Page Smith, MA

Early in life at youth camp, I sang with fervor, “Shut in with God in a secret place, there in His presence beholding His face. Gaining new power to run in this race—oh, how I long to be shut in with God.”

Then, as an adult, I discovered what it was like to be shut in with God in the “secret place” of both physical and emotional pain. That place did not seem at all what the song inferred. Yet, in the end, it proved to be the very place where empowerment was gained for running the race that my eventual “call” involved. Truth be known, we cannot see, in advance, what we are being prepared to accomplish within our lives.

At age 18, I threw the first blood clot into my heart and lungs. The doctor told me, “For you, life will be like living on a stick of dynamite. You will never know when it will blow.” This began my adult life which played out just as predicted.

Many blood clots traveling . . . many hospital stays . . . until the day a new, life-saving surgery became possible at age 35. A Teflon screen was sown into my vena cava below my heart. Afterwards, two years of living mostly in bed, while on oxygen from damaged lungs found me gaining hope that I would live.

In between those earlier bouts of pulmonary emboli, children came one-by-one, three sons, but I couldn’t be sure of living long enough to raise them. With ongoing emboli episodes, it was clear my existence was tenuous. Being in and out of the hospital I felt my life was never going to get started. Obviously smart, I received nearly 100 on the US Gov.’s Civil Service Test. I longed to use my brain . . . do something worthwhile with my life. A prevalent sense persisted; there was “something” I was supposed to do.

During those early years, I savored and enjoyed my three little boys, Ted, Tim and Todd. Yet, I feared my being sick and divorced would somehow warp their sense that life was good. Looking back, as it happened each of them became “more” not “less” because of those years in which they, too, lived with uncertainty.

But, then at age 26, I met Gary Smith. On Dec. 25, 1966, we married and the boys soon claimed him as “Dad.” This man did amazing things to bring his new family through hardships that continued, right and left.

Other great things happened, like friends. I recall, years later, spending a weekend with Hilda and Nandor in Green Valley. Hilda, at 73, sensed some of my anguish. I, in turn, surmised she was someone who could hear what needed to be said. Finding an hour apart from the men, we talked. This wise woman of years was undisturbed by my tears. The essence of my lament was: “I’m tired of a body that fails so frequently. There is something I am supposed to be doing! But, it feels like I am caught in inertia!”

Hilda listened. Her words, well placed and few, went right to the heart. “What’s your hurry? What are you running from?”

“Fear,” I said. “Fear that my life will slip away, unfulfilled. And, perhaps I’m running from the pain of the past, old grief that seems not to heal.”

Hilda, tall and stalwart, her very presence gave me hope toward waiting for God’s timing. In moments of high inspiration I have been known to pray, “Make me what I ought to be, make me more like Thee … Burn off all dross that encrusts this soul.” Then, comes the fire of more “waiting,” more hospital trips . . . in no time at all, I inwardly scream for release.

It was once said, “There is no music in the rest, but there is the making of music in the rest.”

The words of “great waiters,” historically, can give comfort to us all. In the book of Job, one man’s experience of God is illuminated, “Oh, that I knew where to find Him . . . that I might ask Him why . . . how long . . . would he abuse me? But He knows the way that I take and when He has tried me, when He has tested me, I will come out as pure as gold.” (This is a paraphrased passage of Job 23:9-10.)

The treasured passage in 1 Corinthians 10:13 promises that God will make sure we are not tested beyond our strength. Whatever we are going through, it is for sure God will give us a way out of it. Meanwhile, we are strengthened through enduring.

How could I know my years of struggling was the best preparation for the work I would do after raising my family. As a clinical chaplain, I feel totally “in the right place” helping people in the fox holes of life, handling pain, uncertainty, some waiting for it all to end. I can be “with them” as they wait. I can feel what they are going through. Having been through “the University of Mammoth Problems” I can help them find meaning and purpose.

And, for sure, God is not finished with the process of refining this soul of mine. Life is a course of development—one that at times is quite far from easy.

Someone once said, “When it is easy, it will be over.”

About the author: Joy is a Board certified clinical chaplain. Her websites and books are reaching readers in up to 32 countries. View her children’s YouTube on this site’s home page.