Building healthy coping skills

Learning to cope with the difficulties of life is a task we learn through trial and error. This writing is about exploring ways to circumvent difficult feelings and distracting thought patterns through pleasant escapes. We can distract ourselves from tormenting, dark thoughts and compelling emotions. We can put ourselves in “better space” mentally and emotionally, by applying coping skills capable of creating quietude and calmness—moments of enjoyment.

Fear, for instance, brings anguish. Urgings and cravings hold agonies. Good coping skills hold definite hope for reducing our anguishes. Many attempt to manage the difficult and highly stressful times of life through using alcohol and drugs. Yet, this creates a far greater difficulty as many get habituated and fail to recover. We can reach far greater enjoyment in a life by designing ways for shifting gears and purposely taking detours around the ruts of worry and self-doubt.

Below are examples of tracks to try for enjoying life within times that are downright hard to handle. For instance, notice when you start tensing up shoulders are tight and aching . . . tongue is at the roof of your mouth and, jaws are clenched. You are pushing yourself and anxious. This is a moment to remember good self-care is in order!

Consider deep breathing as a coping skill. You can do it at any point or place you want. Pause. Start breathing deeply, taking in more air. This exercise in breathing strengthens and supports the nervous system resulting in a calming experience.

The entries extended below can each bring enjoyment of YOU, of what you think and of what you feel. Try the various suggestions finding the ones that work best for you.

We all have stress to deal with. Medical science has proven chronic psychological stress causes oxidative damage. Oxidative damage is detrimental to sound health and can accelerate one’s aging process.

Dr. Nora Vocci, director of the National Institute of Drug Abuse states that stress alters the way the brain thinks, “The part of the prefrontal cortex that is involved in deliberative cognition is shut down by stress.”¹ So, enjoy as many of the stress reducing activities extended here as you can—and as often as you can. Doing so will help you minimize stress and protect your health.

Truth be known, developing coping skills and learning how to set boundaries are the two main ways to control stress on a daily basis. Going forward, your help with these two elements of good self-care will be the focus and will make a remarkable difference in your future health and happiness.

Finding ways to deal with unexpected events that happen will greatly lessen your stress level. A major element of developing coping skills lies with coming to value oneself enough to take good self-care. Having some fun in life is as important as eating healthy foods and getting plenty of rest. But when we neglect these premises of healthy living and do not have accessible coping skills then this can become a combination that is ruinous to one’s health.

Pick activities from the list below that you want to try as you strategize toward developing (or returning to) a loving friendship with yourself. Discover the comfort of simply being who you are and appreciating what appeals to you. Learn to hold the space of enjoying yourself.

Use the list below during hard times when you feel uncomfortable in your skin, or highly pressured. You will “spark” on one or two.

The first two on this list are coping skills that are highly effective—and successful.

– Meditation and/or prayer²

– Read Holy Writ

– Exercise using gym equipment, or other methods like biking

– Take a walk, ideally 30-40 minutes; or a run, based on your safe ability

– Visit a pet shelter (where you can talk to and pet animals)

– Use a relaxation app or practice progressive muscle relaxation

– Listen to music, or play a musical instrument

– Sing or hum at points when anxiety arises or feeling depressed

– Make a blessing or gratitude list (“I am thankful for . . . “)

– Enjoy water (swimming, soaking bath, and by other means)

– Journaling is a meaningful way to get in touch with what you need it life

– Draw, color, paint, sculpt, or do ceramics

– Play with a pet, or a friend’s pet

– Try a new recipe, then ask friends, “come over to help eat”

– Clean a messy drawer, cabinet or closet that has been bothering you

– Take a drive . . . find a nature path to explore

– Read your favorite kind of book

– Enjoy playing cards with a friend, or friends, try Bunco, Gin Rummy, etc.

– Plan time with friends or family who have a baby; rock the baby

– Spend time with friends or family who have kids. Play games like a kid

– Look into a new hobby

– Look at landscape photos that help you feel relaxed

– Go to a park just to listen and watch what all takes place there

– Visit a zoo, science display, or museum

– Go to your favorite type of movie (or see one on a device)

– Visit a skating arena; watch and join in if able

– Dance!

– List good times and blessed events of your life

– List all for which you are thankful

– Sit by the water—breath, listen, smell and look around

– Ask a loved one to rub your shoulders . . . or, go get a massage

– Laugh as often as you can—even to pretend laughter (it works)

– Google “funny YouTube videos”

– Google YouTube singalong videos”

– Take some time in a shopping center; watch and listen to people

– Pursue something you want to learn about; share with a friend

– Ride a bike or skate as often as possible

– Look at people while giving a smile; watch their eyes: enjoy!

– Find a contemplative water fountain (or waterfall in nature); sit and listen

– Listen to Ted Talks; let your mind become engrossed in the subject

Find Ted Talks at https://www.ted.com/talks

There are many YouTube videos on various subjects that will grab your full attention, put you in a different “space”—and are likely to even challenge your thinking.

Remember, moving your body in challenging ways and fully occupying your mind will put you in a different space. Try it.

Here are some places to go to switch gears, in order to reach a more relaxing, more joyful “space”:

Visiting these YouTube videos will do wonders with putting you in “good space.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75PUjUsGsQQ (takes only 2 minutes)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUKrtkHbA90 (minutes of fun dance)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxOpnhY6ObU (beautiful pictures with flute music; 5 ½ minutes)

Now, return to the list of coping skills. Circle each entry above that piques your interest or is an activity you have enjoyed in the past. Then write below indicating which of these coping skills you will want to try, during times when you feel emotionally or spiritually at a loss and are tempted to act-out in an unhealthy way.

Many people use alcohol or drugs to make it through life, but there are much better ways than to give one’s life over to additives that get a hold on one’s life through merciless cravings. 

If you want to try the spiritual path, of transcending through prayer, I can vouch for talking with God and seeking His guidance as this brings an uplifted in life. Where this has led me is to follow the call of my heart to help people get through the hardest places in their lives. This “addiction” is a peaceful path to fulfillment.

1^ Lemonick, Michael. The Science of Addiction. Special Time Edition, the Science of Addiction What We Know. What We’re Learning. Book Excerpt: Meredith Corporation: NY (2019) p. 8.

By Joy Le Page Smith, MA, BCC

Gary and I read Scripture in the early A.M. We were in Genesis reading about God’s interactions with Adam and Eve.  I did the reading and after finishing, Gary said, “God uses the pronoun “he”—what about “she?”

I said, “Within God’s Word, ‘He’ always includes ‘she’ in the “he.” (Here C.S. Lewis would, say, “You are riding on a very tight rein here, Lady,” as the majority of languages do not use gender-specific pronouns.”)

He looked at me as if he was saying, “Wait a minute.”

There is more to say, of course. “When God made Adam and Eve, at first there was only Adam. Maybe God waited until Adam came to know there was something lacking in his life.  But the next happenstance is stunning: God put Adam into a deep sleep then took a rib out of him. (Rather than robotic surgery, it was “God’s rib-otics.”)

Next, He used the DNA of Adam’s rib to create a partner for him. And, Adam named her Eve “because she would become the mother of all living,” (Genesis 3:20).

Wow! That’s one very big accomplishment claimed for womanhood right at the start! Talk about power!

So God made them equally powerful. And “no.” a man does not have one less rib than a woman such as some claim. It is scientifically proven that both “a man” and “a woman” have 24 ribs.

Back to Gary’s retorts about the Genesis passage, specifically this one, “God took the “s” and put it in front of the “he.”

Hmm. Really. Is there some significance in this?

I am thinking “yes” because God wanted to make equality a clear message. He had said, “In Genesis 1:27, “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

Scripture shows Adam to be God’s first human being created and therefore the first to hear the voice of God. (As God intended Him to listen and learn, which would happen for Eve as well.)

God decided (maybe this holds water) to speak to Adam as “He” leaned hard on their equality. He and she within their equality received the message as one. After all, she was “to be “bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh.”  Voila! Equality! One in God’s sight.

Note how God gave the most powerful ability to women, that of carrying new life within her body and therefore bringing children into life. Of course her impregnation came from Adam.

It seems the height of equality comes to the couple by God’s messages being addressed to “him.” And, “he” was intended to lovingly live out these truths–exemplarily. In this way, “she” sees how this works.

Of course, this works both ways. As “she” gets the message a woman can portray it to her husband by her words and actions day-by-day. Ephesians 5:22-33, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church . . .” Of course, if a man treats his wife without tenderly honoring her and loving her, it is hurtful, brings pain to both of them—and subverts God’s plan. (And this works both ways, for the woman as well as for the man.)

God’s ideal is for us to be with one another and love one another in a holy way, exemplifying His love as we team up and make the world a better place.

For sure, God is continually speaking to all people through the Bible, our Holy Writ, as well as to speak to us within our hearts.

Author information: Joy Le Page smith has authored four books. See these on her website: Healing-with-Joy.com where you will also find hundreds of helps to people who are hurting. Free as well as a story for children, The Little Mountain Goat Who Was Afraid of High Places.

What’s your stool softener in life?

By Joy Le Page Smith, MA, BCC

Now, don’t get too excited. Our community is majorly made up of senior citizens. So this is a merciful topic. Besides, every organ in the body is sacred—and the Bible speaks of  “bowels of mercy.”

Further support for going on this ground comes through this fact: All of us have to eat and drink fluids in order to stay alive. Just as importantly, we must eliminate what we eat and drink regularly in order to stay on the upside of the planet Earth’s crust.

Sometimes we take staying alive for granted. Also, most of us take our elimination process for granted. I know this due to needing abdominal surgeries early in my life which resulted in the growth of adhesions that caused intestinal “lock downs” or bowel blockages. Emergency surgeries were needed twice; at other times they were resolved with the help of a few days of hospital care–as I am still “here.”

Another side to this subject comes through the fact we live in a stressful environment here on earth . . .and even more so during times when things come along that threaten our endurance. We get “up tight.”

Significant medical research bears out the fact there is a direct connection between our brains and our bowels. When we feel highly challenged “upstairs” the “downstairs” essentials tense up and perhaps even tighten down—or frantically loosen up. Now things are out of control!

We are not just a body with a brain as many seem to think. We are three-part beings, body, mind, spirit. The spirit part of us intercedes within life in numerous ways and truly can affect our mental health.  It is becoming more pertinent in medicine that there are chronic illnesses that cannot be understood without factoring in social-cultural environments and human experience.

Medicine does not, for the most part, deal with the spiritual part of a person. Yet, emerging evidence indicates the need to include a person’s psychological and spiritual –in addition to the biological findings—particularly when a diagnosis is perplexing to the medical team.

Who cannot say that life is getting “pushier,” meaning more can be done in a shorter period of time given computer processing. Consequently, more is expected of us by employers and others. We expect more of ourselves as we want to keep up. Consequently, maintaining good mental health, escaping depression and anxiety is more of a challenge for most of us. For sure, the brain-bowel connection does come to play at points while under pressure. We then need either a stool softener or running shoes.

What I notice is that if I stick with my usual premise of spending some time with Scripture and prayer in the early a.m., refreshing my “God connection,” I find myself much calmer and satisfied with what comes down the pike that day.  All is easier. On the other hand if in a rush to get more done than I can do—there is a chance I might experience the brain-bowel connection.

Perhaps, if individuals were to consider caring for their spiritual selves as well as their physical selves there would be less need for doctoring . . . just a thought.

Notable things, even marvelous things, can happen if we follow the Biblical guidance to build ourselves up “in faith praying in the Holy Spirit.” (Jude 1:20).

About the author: Joy Le Page Smith is a Board certified clinical chaplain. Her articles and blogs are read in up to-32 countries.

Chaplain Joy’s website Healing-with-joy.com holds many helps for people struggling with various life challenges, including spirituality. Feel free to copy the materials while also crediting this website.  Joy’s four books are available on her home page at Healing-with-Joy.com where readers can view FREE her children’s book titled, The Little Mountain Goat Who Was Afraid of High Places.